In Which The First Love Ended

2 — Over The Love

(mentioned on chap. 33; happened in 2003)

It was a grey Friday evening. , being in her second year of music college, had spent her afternoon on an assignment and now was leaving. Olive, who was studying at the same college, had just invited her to a party of one of Jim's friends.

– Are you coming with?

– No, James just texted me to go to his place cause he's got some news or whatever – answered while typing a reply text.

– Ooh, good luck with that! See you Monday honey – Olive blew a kiss and she waved at her friend before getting into the car.

When she got to James' house, the door was unlocked so she stepped in. She saw James sitting down, but soon he stood up to the door.

– Hey you – she smiled before James kissed her, for longer than a minute. He then embraced her sweetly and she nestled in his neck.

– How was your day? – he asked before walking back to the living room and sitting on an armchair.

– Great! How was yours?

– Great too – he showed a sad smile, which failed to notice while taking off her jacket to leave it in the hanger.

– What was the news you had for me? – she looked at James.

– Um... Maybe you should sit down.

– Okay – smiled, not really knowing he was serious, and sat on his lap – What is it?

– I... I got that part I auditioned for.

– Oh... my god! – heaved in shock – Congratulations! – she then hugged him strongly and he closed his eyes, enjoying the embrace – We should go out and celebrate!

– Yes, darling, it's just...

– Oh, we should call Jim and Olive and go to that bar – started laughing – Remember that bar we went to, where...

– ...

– No, I know, I'll let you talk, I just cannot remember what was the name...

– ! – he called for her attention.

– What? – she was scared by his rudeness and looked at him in an almost stressed out look, waiting for his answer.

– The show... It's in England.

♫

The expression completely vanished from 's face in a second, turning into a deep concern look, her eyes more serious than ever. She then ended the silence:

– How long do you have to be there for?

– Well... The contract... It's two years. Plus, they might want me for a movie there too.

looked at James for another full minute, and then looked down. Her heart suddenly started to beat much faster.

– I'm sorry, . But this is just an incredible opportunity...

– No, of course, I... – replied, still looking down – I wouldn't tell you not to go – The silence lasted for less time now, up until thought she'd found the solution and looked up – We can make it work. This... "long distance relationship" thing.

– ...

– No, I'm being serious! How hard can it be?

– Very!

– Well, we won't know if we don't try...

– Yes, but I know. I'm gonna be gone for at least two years, maybe I'll even move back home – James looked into 's eyes – Honey... We have to break up.

Instead of replying, walked angrily to the entrance and grabbed her jacket while James followed her.

– , come on...

– You seriously think this is the best way? – she turned around while holding her scarf and screamed at him, looking incredulous – You don't love me anymore, that's got to be it! Why don't you just say it?

– You think I don't love you for this? Uh? You think you love me more than I love you, just because I have to leave? I don't wanna let you go, , but I love you. I love you so much it hurts. So I have to. I am trying to do the right thing, but dammit, you are making it hard. And you know why I didn't pick up last night? Because I was passed out from drinking while thinking how this conversation would go. And it is going so much worse.

The silence filled the room. 's tears did the talking, and James' moist eyes begged for all of that to end. Her tears rolled in an expression that was still angry, but when her face started to melt down and the tears were out of plain sadness, James couldn't resist. So he did what he promised himself he wouldn't and hugged with all his strength, making her close her eyes and hug him back, while taking deep breaths and sniffing.

After a minute in the hug, he looked at and put her hair behind her ears, looking at her face before drying off her tears. Then, he kissed her passionately, as he held her in the sweetest way possible. She had her hands around his neck and begged for more, even after almost two minutes, when he started to let go. James rested his forehead on 's when their eyes were still closed, and like that they stayed for another while.

– Please don't do this, James. Please – a tear rolled down 's face.

– I have to, .

They were in silence again, as she ran her hand continuously through his hair and he gripped her stronger.

– I can't do this, I... I've never had a break-up. I love you just too much – squeezed her eyes to impend the tears from coming, which didn't work.

– Well... You'd have to learn eventually. I guess.

– Never thought I would after I met you. I just can't think about this... – let herself go from James and ran out of the door. James looked up for a while, so his tears wouldn't roll down, then ran after her.

– ! ! – Every scream from him made her run faster, but his velocity was still greater. Just before reaching the corner, quit running and arched forwards, supporting her hand on a pole. – Are you okay? – James put his hand on her back and she turned her humid face towards him, shaking her head no.

– Not even a little bit – she prequeled some more silence, then sighed and continued – I know I can't run from this – she looked down and sniffed – When do you have to leave?

– Tomorrow night.

– So, what are we supposed to do? – she looked at him and said in a low voice – We kiss it goodbye and I walk away now?

James pulled closer and held her small body with his strong arms, resting his chin on the top of her head.

– We should be together now, while we still can. Let's spend every second together, and say goodbye tomorrow morning. Cause I need to gather the rest of my things for the day. It will be easier that way.

– I don't see how it will be easy – she replied, her eyes closed so she'd take in the hug better.

– It'll be less hard – James replied calmly and kissed her head.

– Okay then – she pulled away and wiped off her tears – Let's do something happy, and forget about what we have to remember until we have to remember it.

– Deal – James replied with a smile.

James took in his car to her favorite bar, which was actually his favorite, since for the entire year and a half that she'd been allowed to drink she always went out with him. For the entire way there, she kept staring at her red bracelet, which was a gift from James for their two-year anniversary, which had happened four months before.

– Hey – James put his hand over 's tight after parking, attracting her attention. – What about the forgetting?

– Yeah – breathed out and looked at him, forcing a smile. – Let's just get some alcohol to make that easier.

The first hour went by quickly for and James. It wasn't exactly hard – much because that was their objective – to get to the point of drunkenness where they could actually let go of what was ahead for them. They danced for a long time and then sat down for a while with more drinks.

– Are you gonna sell your place? – asked as she sat in a couch with a glass of scotch and faced James.

– I guess so... – he ran his hand through his hair – This was all so fast, I didn't even have time to go through this stuff.

drew closer and nestled in his chest, and James wrapped his free hand around her.

– I think I'm getting to the depressing phase of drunkenness now – took another sip of the scotch.

– Maybe you should stop then – James kissed her forehead.

– I'll consider it in the future – laughed in a low tone.

James pulled up to level her eyes to his, and she arranged herself to sit more comfortably and face him. But looking at him suddenly hurt too much. She'd always felt happiness when seeing that face, those stunning blue eyes, the thin nose and red lips she loved so much, the square chin and the ruffled brown hair. But all of a sudden, after the time she had since James told her news, looking at him brought nothing but pain. Her eyes were now incredibly moist, beyond her notice, but the tears seemed to not be able to get out. When one stream fell, it felt like it was made of hard rock.

– , please – James limited himself to wiping the tear off and caressing 's cheek. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

– I can't, James. I can't look at you and think of anything but the fact that you're leaving.

– I'm not leaving right now. Look at me – he asked, and she faithfully obeyed. – I'm right here. Right in front of you. We're still here. And we can't be sad because we've been happy all along. And that's how we need to remember each other. Okay?

nodded, and was able to form a sincere smile before wrapping her hands around his neck, keeping her sight on his.

– You were really happy the day we met – James smiled largely while caressing 's hair.

– Yeah, I was. I couldn't be loving my new job any more – grinned up, remembering her first week as a singer in the cafe she used to waitress at.

– And there couldn't have been a more effective way to make me fall in love with you.

– What, with my horrible voice? – laughed, to keep the mood light, and James followed.

– No, with the sweetest voice I have ever heard – he made sure to speak slowly as smiled and shook her head. – Your voice is perfect.

– Yeah, I know, I'm just saying it wasn't quite yet two years ago – joked, causing James to laugh loudly, inclining his head towards 's chest. He then looked up with a wide smile and kissed fiercely, for so long they forgot all that was around them.

– I'll be right back, my love.

followed James with her eyes as he stood up and walked over the couch, fixating her eyes on the whole of him until he was out of sight. And then she was left not alone, but along her thoughts. And they were all James. And she knew that soon he wouldn't be there anymore, but the thoughts still would.

When coming back from the bathroom, James saw drinking another glass of scotch.

– Hey, don't you think you've had enough?

♫

James put his hand over 's after speaking, and when she turned he saw she was crying intensively. He was appalled by her look, and she dropped another tear.

– I wish I didn't love you anymore. It would make all this so much easier – she wiped off the tears and looked up – But I do love you. Too much.

– ... – James tucked 's head in his chest, sitting down beside her until she recovered. – Do you want to go home?

kept the silence and nodded, so James stood up and put his arm around her, walking away.

*
The silence took over James's bedroom, and the sun began to rise, lighting up the room ever so slightly from the window James looked at, as he spooned an almost-asleep .

– Maybe we'll be those people who are parted and years later find their way back to each other... – said in a low voice.

– Maybe we will... If we're really right for each other, we will.

– Do you think we are?

– I don't know, . There's no way to know.

– Do you want us to be? – looked at James.

– If I... If I want us to be? If you want you to be mine forever? ... – James clipped 's hair behind her ear – Of course I do.

smiled and kissed James sweetly, nestling back on his chest afterwards.

– Maybe in a few years, when you're famous all over the world, I can say I had the pleasure of having my heart broken by the great James McAvoy.

– No, don't say that – he smiled sadly.

– And I shouldn't get myself an actor next time...

– Yeah – James laughed.

James held tighter and tighter, as they both let the tiredness sink in. They fell asleep in a matter of minutes, only waking up to the sound of James' alarm clock. Instead of telling he needed to go, he just kissed her and left the bed. He then prepared breakfast and arranged a bit more of his stuff, going back to the bedroom and kissing her face gently.

– , sweetie, I've made breakfast.

– Alright, I'll be right there – she answered in a low voice with her eyes still closed.

In less than ten minutes, was down in the kitchen, wearing one of James' t-shirts. He smiled as she sat in front of him and grabbed one of the waffles, biting it.

– That one was already in the box – he pointed at the shirt.

– I know – smiled widely and James analyzed her before coming to a conclusion.

– You can have it.

– Yeah?

– M-hm. Always looked better on you anyway – he smiled.

let go of the waffle and stretched her hands, holding James’, which were over the table.

– I might go to London for Christmas, you know – she smiled proudly.

– I really hope you do – James opened up a smile with the corner of his mouth.

There was a considerably brief moment of silence, as James and stared intently at the other one. It felt good to do so, but it was also getting harder as time passed and they knew that each glance they shot, they'd have to drink in each and every detail, and try to hold on to that forever. Or whatever long it took for them to meet again. So they shook the thoughts off, not because they didn't want to just look at each other, but because doing only that hurt too much. It seemed easy to get to a light subject of conversation, and thankfully laughter was filling the room for the moment.

even got through helping James put things in boxes. Her heart tried to tell her that she was helping him go away, but for once she listened to her brain, knowing she was doing what was best for both of them, and that this way James would always remember her in a good way. Of course they didn't stop themselves from enjoying the final moments together, creating new good memories. After finishing, James set up the alarm clock to the limit time he had to leave to settle final things about his moving and the movie scheduled. and James lied side by side on the couch, caressing, kissing, talking, laughing. But the notion of elapsed time – and then when the alarm itself was set off – caused them to let the bad thoughts sink in again. Never before had they fought so hard to suppress feelings. And it was good that their final moments together were happy, perfect even. The problem is that all the pain and suffering was still there, just waiting for the opportunity exploding out.

– Are you gonna call a cab? – James asked as caressed his hair.

– No, I'll... I think I'll walk to Ollie's.

– Okay – James smiled briefly and stood up. followed, grabbing her purse. James opened the door, looking back at . She raised an eyebrow and twitched her mouth.

– So... This is it.

– Yeah – James showed a sad smile. They stood there for a few more seconds and then leaned in for a hug. James got his hand from the doorknob to her waist, to enjoy the embrace better. tucked her head in his neck, and they didn't say anything, though there was a lot to.

– I need to say goodbye, otherwise we'll be here forever. Not that I wouldn't like that... – scratched James' neck slowly.

– Goodbye sounds too eternal, doesn't it? – James pulled back.

– Alright then – looked deeply into James' eyes and leaned in for a kiss. She involved her hands tighter around his neck as his soft lips touched hers, and he took a step so their bodies would meet once again. They drank in the sweet taste of each other as they felt the other's presence and sank in the moment. gently pulled back and smiled at James. – Au revoir.

– Till I see you again – James smiled and smiled back, walking out the door as one of her hands was securely enlaced with James'. – I love you.

– I love you.

slowly let his hand go and started walking backwards, watching him as he stood still. She laughed at the sight of him blowing her a kiss, which she returned. James smiled once more and started closing the door, and as turned around to face the street she needed to walk, that was it.

That was the end of and James.

She didn't feel like crying at first. It was a while before the big smile faded off her face. As she walked down the street, an intense happiness took over her, because of how much James loved her. She felt so much love, the one she had for him and the one she received in return. It was different from the other kinds of love she'd felt before. It was... Fulfilling. But when that word was planted in her mind, happiness seemed to start to slip through her fingers, and she started to remember her time with James. If he completed her, how was she supposed to be without him? Not her whole self, for sure. So when the tears made present, they were a bit out of fear. Fear of where would she be placed in this world. How to get "back out there", "back in the game", to the place she'd never actually been to. Because she didn't expect anything when she met James, really. It was like meeting anyone else. But it built up fast, and soon she needed him like the most addicting of drugs. And now he was ripped apart from her. Forever. No need to deceive her mind. He wasn't coming back.

Getting to Olive's parent's apartment was merely automatic. She could barely see through the tears now, but in moments she was knocking her door. She didn't even care who answered, who saw her in that state by then. When Olive opened the door herself and saw , her smile completely faded with surprise and concern.

– Sweetie, are you okay?

– No.

– What happened? – she opened the door wider, worried. dried off the tears and looked up for a bit, recovering her breathing pace.

– Okay, I'm gonna tell you what happened, and then you're not gonna comment about it, because I came here to be distracted from it, okay?

– Okay – Olive agreed and spitted everything out rapidly.

– The surprise James had yesterday was that he got a part in England, and he's leaving tonight... To be there for like, forever, and so obviously we broke up and... We didn't wanna spend the last afternoon together cause he needs to set things to leave and, we had a perfect last night together, and that's it, I... I'm never gonna see him again. So, can you please distract me?

– Oh, ... Don't you wanna talk about this?

– No, no – shook her head and said slowly – I don't wanna talk about the fact that I'm never going to see James again. Okay?

– Okay. Come on in, we'll think of something fun to do.

Olive knew exactly what to do. had never gone through that before, but still, she knew her best friend like the back of her hand. Also, she'd had fights with Jim before, and was always there for her. So she made sure there was chocolate and fun movies enough, since it was a bit too gray for going out. And was able to genuinely have fun for a while. She let it all go, she laughed, she thought about good things. Of course as the day passed, she wore down the happiness. The jokes in the movies started to lose meaning, and everything around her stopped being able to get her attention. At the break of dawn, Olive started to notice how that wasn't enough entertainment anymore, and was thinking of taking her somewhere when Chris called. She told him what had happened and talked to him for about ten minutes, then walked back to the living room.

– I don't know if you'd classify this as fun, but Chris wants us to go see his brother's play. It starts in an hour.

– Okay, let's go – stood up, gathering all the will that was possibly in her. – What time is it?

– Nearly seven... – Olive looked at her watch and then at – You're just... asking, right? Out of curiosity?

– Yeah – smiled faintly and got her purse from the counter.

– Come on, it's gonna be good – Olive smiled and disappeared into her bedroom to put on some makeup, which did as well.

Olive drove to the front of the theater, and as she walked in to where she'd agreed to meet Chris, wanted to stay out for a while and get some fresh air. Olive asked her about five times if she was really fine, which managed to fake, and then went to meet Chris.

– 's outside, let's go there for a bit – Olive pointed at the door and Chris started walking with her.

– How's she doing, anyway?

– I don't know – Olive sighed deeply and pulled the door opened – She's either actually fine or in an early state of depression.

– Why do I get the feeling the first option can't be true? – Chris inquired, as they got out to find that both and Olive's car were missing. – Where is she?

– She was just here, I don't know where she went.

– Oh, I know exactly where she went – Chris ran towards his car and Olive followed.

*♫
Though she felt immense sadness still, didn't want to cry at that moment. Instead, she felt like she was put in an action movie, where she needed to run around and defuse a bomb in designated time. She ran towards the flights board as if her life depended on it, when she felt in her heart it actually did. She then stopped, not long enough to recover her breath, but to read the screen.

LONDON | FLIGHT AZ207 | BOARDING IN 10 MINUTES
Oh, so it wasn't like a movie scene. 's mind was already prepared to have to buy an emergency ticket and get to James when he was almost on the plane already. Still, this meant he could be anywhere in the airport. Could've gone in already as well. Trying out her luck, walked to the boarding area, checking to see if maybe James was somewhere inside where she could see him. Her eyes went by the place without any success, and she was peeking through the line of people still outside when she saw him. It was almost his turn to go in. She tried to scream, but her voice failed her. And the tears were now hardening the view, too.

For a few seconds she just stood there, never angrier at her body for responding this way. For her mind losing control. She was shaking, crying, mute, feeling hot and cold, falling apart. When she reassured herself she could do it without falling, she started walking towards him. Some people's attentions were attracted, but not the one she wanted to just yet. James was looking down when the one he was thinking about settled on his side.

His look was still of surprise when he looked up, though, having not yet assimilated that was there. His eyes widened, not just from the sudden appearance of her, but from seeing the amount of tears that flushed down. His expression was of pain now, and when he jumped in for a hug, he couldn't help but crying as well. There was a shimmer of hope inside him that wouldn't be suffering that much, at least not yet. But it wasn't true. He wanted to be alone for the final hours because he didn't want to see the damage he had caused. Because seeing it makes it real. And if she hadn't gone there maybe he could've kept lying to himself that she was okay.

But she wasn't. And neither was him.

It took a full minute before James broke the hug, to then pass his arm over her shoulder and walk to some sits that were nearby. She rested in his chest, and James smelled her hair, closing his eyes to drink in the actual last moment. It wasn't like the other one, because they were fine, and happy, and not thinking of it as goodbye. But now the pain had sunk in, and there was no way to lie to themselves. James was literally about to leave, and it hurt like hell. It couldn't be fine. Just couldn't.

– ... I have to go – James held her tighter, as if trying to say that that was really not what he wanted, but what he had to do. – I'm sorry, I know you probably came so that we could say more things.

– I don't know why I came, actually – lifted herself up and took a deep breath, now with courage enough to look at him. – This way is so much worse.

After they were both up, they fell into each other's arms again. This was like an alcoholic, knowing he would be forced to stop soon, having all that he possibly could all at once, while there was still time.

– Promise me you will be happy, . I'm not leaving until you promise.

– That's not a very good way to convince me – she showed a sad smile as James un-hugged.

– I'm being serious.

– How can I even make that promise, James? That's not something I know—

– Yes, you do – he jumped forward and grabbed both her hands dearly, making her look into his eyes – You are the greatest woman I have ever known. And I know you will find someone. But no matter how long it takes, you have to promise me you won't quit, and you will be happy.

– Why? – her eyes started to melt down again – Why do I have to promise?

– Because I can't live with the thought of being the one who wrecked you for life! I am too young, hell, not that there is an appropriate age, to cause this! And you are too young to suffer it.

looked down instead of answering, in yet another failed attempt to stop the tears. She then turned back to look up and not have to face him while she recovered her breath.

– . Please – James' eyes filled with tears – You're making me feel worse about... leaving you.

shook her head and wiped off some tears to look at him as even more flew down.

– I'm not crying because you're leaving me. I'm crying because there's no other way.

James hugged again and she tucked her head in his shoulder, talking between the tears.

– I love you. I will always love you.

– I will too, my dear – James pulled his head back and looked at , as his tears flushed as well – Don't forget that.

In one second, James was kissing 's forehead, and in the next one he was gone. He walked in a hurry towards the entrance and didn't look back. On the other end, turned her back and walked away. Not towards the exit, but just trying to walk it off. She could feel everything failing, though. Her legs started to tremble, and she felt like even gravity had given up on her now. But one thing hadn't. And it was there just when she needed. She was looking down when two arms involved her with their biggest strength, bringing her in for a long hug.

She didn't need to look up to know it was Chris. She could assume it, too, since him and Olive must've figured she went there. And when the tears rolled down, and one of her best friends saw her in that pathetic state for the first time, wanted to tell Chris that she understood it. That she wasn't some irrational teenager who wouldn't accept her boyfriend leaving under any condition. That she knew that this was the best thing for James' career, which she really cared about. That she knew how much James loved her, and that when he walked away was because staying could only increase the pain. But she could only talk through tears. And they had a lot of talking to do.

– Look, I know this will sound like complete bullshit right now... – Chris started off – But you'll be fine. Someday, and not far from here, you'll be completely fine.

– I know – limited herself to a short reply.

– You do?

– Yeah. I know I'll be fine. I'll just miss him like hell.

– Seems like I've got nothing left to teach you, then – he joked, earning a short-lived laugh from . She wiped the tears off and looked at him now, still fortressed by his arms.

– I couldn't believe my luck when I met him, Chris. I... never, for a second, thought it would all be this good. And now it's ripped away and... – looked away, letting the sadness win over the tears for once – It can't be like this. We have to have crappy relationships first. And then the perfect one. Because now... Now I have nowhere to go.

Chris didn't want to hug her again, because he knew that brought tears and he didn't want to see her like that, but standing still was worse. So he wrapped around her again, and was silent until he felt his coat getting moist by her constant streams. He wanted to lighten up the mood again, but waited enough for her to rationalize alone.

– Things never go the way we want to, . I know it sucks, but... It's a universal truth.

– Just for once they could. For the one time I had a chance... to be happy.

– Not the one time – Chris replied with sure – No, no. Not for you.

Just wait now, Chris said to himself. Just wait and the tears will stop. And so he did. And so , Chris and Olive stood still for three whole minutes, while everyone else there paced around.

– I'll remember you saying that when I'm an old lady living with twenty cats – let off. Chris smiled from the fact she'd thrown in a joke. It was yet another reason to assure him she'd be okay.

– How about this, then? If we're both forty and still single, I'll marry you – he contributed to the imaginative future scenarios.

– No you won't – breathed out a laugh.

– Yeah, I won't have to, cause I know you'll be married long before that – Chris replied, making smile.

– Hey, you know what I just remembered? – looked up.

– What?

– You owe me a British man – she smiled smartly, making Chris laugh.

When her expression got serious and she slowly lowered her head on his chest again, he ran his hand through 's hair and rested his head over hers.

– You'll be just fine, kiddo.